Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
vagina is talking i cant
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Randomize
