he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
is drinking for groundhog day legit?
well you blacked out on MLK day and we pregamed arbor day, so yes
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
Randomize
