It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
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