Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Randomize
