ohhh my god. this party should be titled "my hookups of summers past" be expecting some good stories tomorrow
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
I need a beard to bite.
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