From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize
