i kinda want to bang the mythbusters girl... i bet she's got a nice snapper
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
Randomize
