she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
It goes to show, Sane person, daddy doms, little girls, all of us may seem different but deep inside we all grow wisdom teeth
Randomize
