note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
Randomize
