The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
I just remembered I casually gave you a tour of the house after we boned...lol
Randomize
