My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
Randomize
