Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
You were trust falling into bushes
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
Randomize
