I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
I think the boy in my gender studies class cried when 90% of the girls said they had faked an orgasm
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
Randomize
