I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Randomize
