i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
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