found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Randomize
