So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
so was this before or after i puked down the ice luge?
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
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