i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
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