just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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