I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
Randomize
