you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
i jus pukd everywherw but i took a showr, come cuddle
So you refered to him as "monster dick"...not so much
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
Randomize
