just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
Randomize
