look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
Pornhub is actually a very wholesome website
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Randomize
