this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
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