Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
She has more profile pics than tagged pics. narcissism at its best.
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
Come share oat with me in your robe
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
Randomize
