He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
Randomize
