I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Randomize
