BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
Randomize
