we have pet lesbian snakes
Do you think you have hit the lowest point in your life when you find yourself actually condisering watching the movie "Gigli"?
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
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