I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
Randomize
