Even water is tasting like jack daniels
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
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