You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
Haha o man how much you've grown. From beer bonging wine and wearing cargo shorts to well, beer bonging beer and wearing cargo shorts
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
