Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
Yaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! It has more than one y so my intentions to sleep with you after the drink special ends are clear
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
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