I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
Tanner. All u drink. 10 bckaa. Locked in Porto potty outside. Constructed area. Main strrrreeeett. Fuck. Help. Pleese
Randomize
