based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
How unacceptable would it be to bar hop with a funnel in the square? It's Halloweekend and I plan on going hard. I can claim it goes w/ my costume. But I don't think the MIMITW uses funnels.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
Randomize
