if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
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