youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
Plus you know he's just 2 semesters and 4 glasses of wine away from "experimenting" with some French major
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
Randomize
