it's too hot outside to masturbate.
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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