Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
I have a story that starts with Nutella and ends with sex in the laundry building at RIT.
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
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