yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
Randomize
