Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
She's dressed as Musafa. How could this not be a good idea?
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
Going home with an argentinian named sulvio. Ill let you know how it goes.
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
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