Porn is love you can see.
how hairy? two words: wookie tits
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
Randomize
