i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
I don't know what to think. Also, I decided to take a bath...sorry in advance if I flood the bathroom.
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
Can't talk, ducks in the car
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Randomize
