He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
I was trying to be quiet until started to feel like my cock was being dipped in a rainbow and then I stopped caring temporarily
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
