Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
