dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Randomize
