wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
