What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
Randomize
