You know you love balls. Don't act all "I-Don't-Love-Balls-ish"
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
