The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
areolas are like halos for boobs.
I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned.
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
Randomize
