i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
The problem with Wednesday evening drinking is that no gets to my level. It's like like a one man party. But it's a goood party.
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
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