Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
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